5 Differences b/w NYers & St. Louisians

5. When its cold in NY, its freezing in St. Louis.
4. When its hot in NY, its blazing in St. Louis.
3. NY is the city that never sleeps and St. Louis closes promptly at 6pm.
-wtf is that about?
2. The only arch we have are the golden ones.
1. In NY Nelly songs don't play every 5mins on the radio.
-Seriously, this cat hasn't had a hit in how many yrs? Give it up.

Burning Up

Journal, haphazardly recommends protecting yourself out there. No I'm not talking smoke detectors and fire insurance. I'm talking about STD insurance, condoms. Really ya'll need to stop playing out here...no, really. I'm not judging you because I've fell victim too. There is a growing raw epidemic. Fellas stop running streets without a raincoat. Ladies stop laying it down without a protection on the crown. What could possibly be a good reason to not use a condom?
"Oh E it just feels so much better, that's why I don't use them."

You know what also feels so much better, not having herpes. I don't care how many commercials they produce with pleasant smiling bike riding simplex 2 (herpes) infected people. Don't noooobody want that shit. I'm not going to lie: it does feel better without a condom. Unless you're in a monogamous relationship (marriage, etc.) then don't do it and there are some that would even argue against that and well, dammit I kind of agree. Sex already feels good, great in most cases. There is no amount of added pleasure that is worth the burning, blisters, embarrassment, contagion, and bicycle riding, that should warrant these types of activities.

"Those things feel weird inside me and he looks good. He had a positive vibe. I know he's a good guy."

Uhhh, OK. There are plenty of good people that are the subject of that Faith Evans song...Burning UP! How about I put it like this? The next time that good person or yourself convince each other the dirty Sanchez is better without a sombrero picture yourself with a revolver, you load one chamber with a bullet, spin the wheel, put the barrel to your vagina, and pull the trigger. You're playing Russian roulette with the pumpum and that should be a crime (when I wrote D.O.P., I didn't mean this). You’re playing a high risk game with minuscule reward and it’s simply not worth it.

"Yo son, I ran out of condoms. It was so good, damn. What choice did I have? You feel me."

Actually, I do not feel you and here is why: there are all types of acronyms that should be come to mind when you have thoughts like this. Let me spell it out: S-T-Ds, H-I-V, A-I-D-S, and K-I-Ds. All four is not what you’re expecting when you “run out of condoms” but choose to still do the hokey pokey instead of turning yourself around.  E. For shoRt love the kids (k-i-ds), but let's keep it real, if your state of mind is on some condoms-ran-out-let-me-run-raw tip something tells me you aren't planning for children. My dad calls them little monsters. I don't know about that, but we call HIV the monster (no disrespect to my survivors, but I need to convey how real it is). Cold sweats and nightmares when you're waiting for those test results thinking of that monster grabbing you, the anticipation alone can kill and worth exercising self-control. To quote a famous scholar: "This for all my niggas out here that DO use a condom the first nut and then go raw all the other times. Where's the psychological sense in that player?! You need to wash your face, get your mind right." - Freeky Zeeky.
Heed the advice of Journal, haphazardly and be safe. If you need more motivation or something to put you on the right path during those heated moments google gonorrhea, then click on images link in the upper left, if the clap doesn't scare you straight...I don't know what will.

I  am E. For shoRt and I approve this blog post. JH

Journal, Haphazardly mobile

Journal, haphazardly has gone mobile. On your phone's browser go to http://bit.ly/JHmobile and you will be directed to the cellphone friendly version of JH. Another way: Facebook or email yourself this post, view it from your phone, click the link, and then add JH to your bookmarks...that simple. Actually you could make almost any site mobile, so if you have your own blog, website, etc you just have to add it to this long ass webpage: http://www.google.com/gwt/n?u=http://YourSiteHere. A few sites come to mind that I would like to convert with this new found information, but probably the most important genre of all those sites is porn.

Not So Single Guy's Guide to the Alley-Oop Gone Wrong

In JH's second edition of the Not so Single Man, we shall be discussing the alley-oop gone terribly wrong. Please refer to the Wingman's Guide for Not So Single Guys as a reference to the alley-oop. The alley-oop goes wrong when a not so single man finds himself outside of the friendship zone and firmly in the let's get naked together zone. Under normal circumstances this zone is awesome and it still is, but this isn't the purpose of the Alley-Oop. The alley is supposed to firmly plant your friend in this zone, so how do you get out of it without looking like an ass? Well, it depends on your goal. An ok wingman would cut his losses and somehow find himself called away, hoping she either doesn't run into him again or someone else happens to engage her. A good legendary wingman will setup the Trizzy situation to still bring his friend into the Key with him. The Key, an explanation: see to successfully engage the alley-oop one already has to be on a scoring path; a successful alley transfers the scoring path to a friend prior to the score, i.e. the let's get naked together zone. The Key is the small perimeter right before the score. Once at the Key you're already home. All you have to do is stuff that bad boy in the hole. Hence, why they have 3 second violations because if you're not scoring in the Key the ball needs to be turned over to the other team because clearly you're wilding, a fool, or a novice. I digress, to bring your friend into the Key requires you to work extra hard. By this point it's apparent you didn't follow my advice about keeping it light, which for this part of the play will work in your favor. You and the scorer (friend), i.e. the point, will have to pull off one of the greatest double team efforts ever. Full court pressure, crashing boards, double teaming in the paint type effort to save this game and bring the team to glory. Also, the point has to be strong. If you were trying to setup a point who is weak on plays, this will not work. You can't have a wingman messing up plays and a point who isn't great, that would require a third (the rolloff) or even fourth (the pick) man and those instructions can't even be written because its so confusing. Not to mention, very few have pulled it off. So to make this happen, you both have to go IN. You both have to have your game face on and put forth the effort as if you are both trying to score, but not in a hating step-on-each-other's-shoes type of way but in a we both like you and we're comfortable just both kicking it with you kind of way. As wingman the most effective way to bring the point to the key is to bounce your "game" off of him. Your jokes, compliments, and conversation have to work him in effectively enough to allow him to start leading and bouncing off of you. For example you're telling a funny story "Yo friend remember that time we..."; you start the story, he completes it, she laughs. Repeat a few more times in various clever ways and then he leads the joke, convo, whatever. Mix the two up to the point where she likes you both so much, both of you are in the key Triz?, but its not that type of party so how do you know you're both in the Key...she invites a friend over. There it is! But, she has to really INvite her friend over. Stipulations for the INvite: 1)the friend has to be as fly as her 2)the invite has to be prepped with a quick private conversation 3)if not a quick convo, a brief break to the bathroom together 4)the friend cannot be a hater, which means she doesn't goal tend, engages in the conversation in a positive fashion, and generally has a good attitude. Number 4 is usu. the case when number 1 is in action. Now, either one of you can easily convert to the let's get naked together zone. She wants one of you to make a move, but she doesn't want the other to either a) feel left out and/or b) go to waste. Therefore, she brings her friend into play so that the four of you can naturally pair off. A good point will naturally start making the appropriate moves on the original subject (unless he is confused or greedy and makes a move on the friend, which will be explained in later Not So Single Posts). The wingman, that's you, takes your queue talks with the friend a bit...let's take a break here, Huddle Up- you are only speaking with her for a few (and only a few) because we know what got you here in the first place, if you start a meaningful conversation, that thing is going to go off inside of you that makes you start moving the play to the Key ... grab a drink with her or (notice no "and/or" here, only OR) maybe dance to 1-1.5 songs, then peace out. The point should have taken care of business by now either with a number, a walk outside, or whatever circumstances allow for in a scoring situation. What separates ordinary wingmen from Legendary Wingmen is in the face of failure giving up is not an option and converting under any circumstances. Alley-oop still engaged.

I am E. For shoRt and I approve this blog post.

D.O.P. Death of Pumpum

“Only piper to rewrite history without a pen,
Young Clymont on the track let the story begin, begin, begin”

(chorus)
This is pro pumpum, death of the softstroke, this ain’t for lovemaking, this ain’t for the quiet storm,
This is Peter Griffin at the alter, bring a blonde, preferably with a fat ass who can take a bone, wrong,
This aint vaginally correct, Ugh
this might offend my vagina monologue connects,Ugh
My strokes don’t have melodies, this should make Trizzers wanna go and run up in shorties, Ugh
Get your girl donk slayed, I may do it myself - I’m so Bronx crazed
I know we facing a Pussy recession, but the sex y’all doing make it the great depression.
All y’all lack aggression pull her skirt up, go In my good men.
Yeah this just violent (no rape), this is the death of Pumpum, moment of silence.

(Chorus)
This ain’t sweet caressing, this is practically assault with a deadly weapon,
I made it just for Gyal and fat boxes I want snatches to feel threatened
Stop your bloodclot crying, the mom, the daughter every pumpum dying, no lying,
You boys jeans too tight, you colors too bright, treating dat thang too nice
I might be in the box for a year straight, I might bring back churning buttah!
This ain’t for Cinemax, Dip told me to kill da cunts to keep it 1 hundred,
This is for Bang Bus, for Pinky we the best’n,
Yeah this is just violent, death of PumPum moment of silence.

(Chorus)
This might need a verse from Fitzy, I might send this to the No-Condom Mikey,
Get somebody from G-bloc to talk on this, give this to a kappa let a Alpha stroll on it,
Usson thou to style on this, I just don’t need nobody to smile on this,
You cats are puttin it on a pedestal too much, get back to Beatin it up you Jonathan-ing too much.
I’m wifed-up so how is it I’m still the hardest here,
I don’t be in the strip club hallway talking about how I be in the pumpum all day
That sound stupid to me, if you a gangsta this is how you prove it to me.
Yeah just get violent, this Death of Pumpum moment of silence.

Man Law 37

#37 Expunge it, Explore it, Dig it out; Vagina is a commodity...Go IN
Section 1: Vagina treatment
a) Vagina is a wonderful natural resource that is perfect for manly cultivation and as a man it is your duty to do so...

Section 3: War & Vagina
...
c) Like any commodity Vagina is worth going to war over under the proper circumstances. See Rule 50, section 6, paragraph E for rules of engagement...

Section 4: Never Waste Vagina
...
b) All Holidays must be observed with a healthy portion of Vagina including but not limited to Father's Day (even if you don't have children of your own), Birthdays (even if its not your birthday, maybe its your friend's Birthday or even Lincoln's for that matter), Ground Hog's Day, etc...

All rights and permissions approved for redistribution on Journal, haphazardly by the Manly Commission

Exercises for Real World Sh*t: The Dub

It dawned on me the other day after my PLM post about some gym idiots that not enough people know how to exercise not only properly, but also for some real world sh*t. No I'm not talking about forest fires, because if your a fire fighter you probably already got your regimen down. I'm talking about the average NSSG (not so single guy/gal), who may not understand the purpose of certain movements in the gym. So Journal, haphazardly will be doing a 5 part series on Exercises for Real World Sh*t starting with the DUB.
For those of you that don't know what a Dub is: first let me say it goes by many names by different cultures, second you've probably already practiced it, and third no party can be considered half way decent without it. The DUB is a close dance where most of the action takes place in the...pelvic region, if you will. There are several types of DUBs: the juke, the slow wine, the ben ova-ben ova-ben ova (pictured), the jump & wine (one of my favorites), etc. The list goes on and on but the fundamentals remain the same, which is why there are a couple of key excercises that are applicable to all DUB categories.
1)Squat- Quads & Glutes the foundation of any great DUBbing. NSSGuy needs strong thighs because when a NSSGal pushes back the strong glutes, flexing one's quads is what keeps one balanced and prevents the pushback. The main goal of every DUB is to stay attached, i.e. the DUBbing partners are to mirror each others movements (kind of).
2) Deadlifts- Back & Hamstrings "Backbone strong like the Rock of Gilbraltar"- Bounty Killer. The back by either party is not to be neglected as it is vital for a good great DUB. Speaking as a person who has experienced a slipped disc, trust me a weak back adversely affects the DUB session. The back acts as a stabilizer ensuring the DUB doesn't go off track. Sometimes things can get a little wild (Whooooooyyyyyy). Other times one person may get/be off beat. The back is what keep these things in line. The back also acts as a fail over, when the quads are weak or you do not know the proper execution of these muscles during the DUB; the back steps up and takes/makes (NSSGuy/Gal, respectively) the force necessary for an excellent DUB.
Journal, haphazardly hopes you've found this information enlightening, but more importantly have now found good use for time in the gym to Exercise for Some Real World Sh*t.

I am E. For shoRt and I approve this blog post.